A Matter of Obsession
by Way Walker
Summary: Obsession is a form of insanity. Kirk thinks about events old and new as he struggles to deal with his actions. Set after the episode Obsession.


Obsession

DISCLAIMER: I don't own the rights to Star Trek. I really know that this is the case and I know I can never, ever hope to own it.

He was losing and he was losing badly. He was playing chess against Spock, and although the Vulcan beat him at chess more often than not, he usually put up a good fight or sometimes even winning a few games, much to the surprise of Spock since he played chess 'most illogically.' Today, however, he felt like he could not concentrate at all and Spock had completely beaten him at several games in little more then an hour.

"I'm sorry, Spock," he apologized to his first officer, "I'm a bit distracted tonight, you can't be having much fun" he said as he watched him take his Queen which resulted in him being checked.

"Fun?" asked Spock, lifting his gaze from the chess board as he raised an eyebrow in question. "That would stem from happiness and I do not play chess to make me happy. It is simply…"

He interrupted him quickly, "Yes, I know, I know to exercise your mind."

And distracted he was. It was over a week since they had encountered the cloud creature. The creature had been killed, the people had their medical supplies, granted a bit later then planned and possibly millions of people had been saved but he didn't feel happy or content.

Did he do the right thing?

Had his judgement been compromised from what had happened all those years ago?

Obsessive, that was what Spock and Bones had said. Had he really been that …

Displeased at the interruption, Spock said rather bluntly, "Captain, I can't help but notice that lately you are very irritable, even for a human and this is the fourth time today you have stated to me about your inability to concentrate."

"I have to agree with you, my green blooded, pixie eared friend. Jim has been a basket case for the entire week!" The chess players turned around to see Dr. McCoy standing behind them who in turn smiled and pulled up a chair.

It was only then that he looked around the hall and noticed that the time had gotten away from him; it seemed that they had only been playing for about an hour and it had been crowded with people coming and going. Now the hall was empty, they were the only people around; it was silent and eerily so for a ship with so many people on it.

Seeing that he was cornered, he shrugged and leaned back in his chair as he decided that it was best to get it over with and play it coy, "Well, if you two are agreeing, things must indeed be serious!" he replied mockingly.

"Something is bothering you Jim." said McCoy.

"What do you mean Bones?" he questioned innocently, he knew what Bones meant of course but he had hoped that he would not notice his distraction or at least ignore it.

"I'm a doctor not a mind reader Jim but I know that look" replied McCoy who was not going to back down.

"Oh. What look?" he asked not willing to discuss what was bothering him. Why couldn't Bones just let it go? It was in the past, history, they still had a mission to do, he still … he just wanted to forget. That's what he wanted … didn't he?

McCoy chose to ignore the question. "You know I should give you a psych evaluation. I never saw anyone so, well so obsessed before."

"Look, it was a hard decision to make," he defended himself, "but in sacrificing a few lives, I saved millions more, Bones, millions_._ He shrugged his shoulders again. "So maybe I might have been a little bit obsessed but …"

"Obsession is a form of insanity," Spock remarked.

McCoy signed and shifted uncomfortably. "Jim," he began, "it's just that you were swift to condemn the ill patients on Theta 7 who were waiting for the drugs we carried in order to settle a score with the cloud creature thing that killed your old captain."

"Look, the mission is over. The creature is destroyed and Theta 7 has its drugs. I see nothing more to discuss" he replied in his captain, you will obey and not question my orders voice.

"But Jim …"

He slammed his fist down hard on to the table. "We've been over this before," he grated. "Over. Done. Period. Now, move on." He swiftly got up and went to one of the observation windows and gazed at the stars. He gazed at the stars and let himself be lost in their brilliance, unconsciously running a hair through his hair.

The mission was over and it had been successful. The planet had got its medical supplies, the creature was dead and he had saved possibly millions of lives so why didn't he … he felt his shoulders slump in exhaustion in ... acceptance? No he was far from feeling any closer, why couldn't he, everyone move on from this. He had let some of his frustration out that had been eating him alive but was it really only frustration? He didn't know what he felt, what he should be feeling.

Anger, for not being able to kill the creature sooner?

Guilt, for the lives he couldn't save, in the past and now? It was his fault, he was to blame as screams from long ago and present rang in his ears.

Sadness? No pure … turmoil as he drowned, wave after wave of different and contrasting emotions filled him until all he wanted to do was to scream.

He sighed.

What's done was done.

But …

If he only ... if he had just … the stars disappeared from his view as an event from years ago danced across his vision as his mind taunted him, condemned him to relive the moment over and over again.

That smell, that sweet honey smell that overpowered all his other senses …. The phaser suddenly became very heavy in his sweating hand … the training that he received in the academy suddenly forgotten as the … cloud … the creature … got closer and closer … he hesitated for … two, three, five seconds? It seemed hours as he stood frozen, gazing at the creature until … someone screamed in pure agony, the sound snapped him out of his trance as he aimed and fired.

It was another world, another time; he had changed a lot since then. He was the Captain of the Enterprise, the best star ship in the entire Starfleet, he was … who did he think he was kidding? He was so engrossed that he didn't notice that a hand was resting lightly on his shoulder; he stared at it for a moment and then followed it up to meet the apprehensive face of Bones.

"Jim you know we are here for you don't you?" Bones asked whose voice was laced with barely concealed concern.

"Indeed Jim. It seems that Dr McCoy and I do occasionally agree on something which is most illogical." stated Spock as he moved forward and came to stand by his side.

He smiled a very small smile to show that he understood them both.

What was he doing? A captain should never show any pain, a captain must … He shook his head to clear away the thoughts and straightened himself up, turned his gaze to Bones, then to Spock and finally to the forgotten chess board on the table.

Again he couldn't help but smile.

"Care for another game Mr Spock?"

AUTHOR NOTE: I have always thought that Kirk would have experienced a lot of different emotions and would have a lot to deal with after this particular episode. I think that he would think about his actions and that he would question them long after the event. So what do you think? Please, please review.


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